Retail therapy in the Middle East

Have just recently returned from a Business trip to Dubai and have an experience to share regarding the retail habits of a colleague.  The colleague in question we shall call Kostas Kostagiorgiou (although we know who you are really, don't we George?)

Kostas hails from a Mediterranean island, famously partitioned years ago and with a striking appendage coming off it - Italy!, no, joking, of course I am referring to Cyprus.  When I was a kid, I used to think that Cyprus was shaped like a giant Rhino's head but now, with the clarity that maturity and age brings, I see that if you look at the map upside down (as if you were flying from North to South), you will find that Cyprus is in fact Syria's speech bubble (Google Map it, you'll see what I mean).

Anyway, it seems that Kostas has a money allergy, prolonged contact with the stuff burns his skin so to overcome the possibility of extended contact he has developed a coping strategy that we doctors like to call "spending every penny he's got" (and quite a few he hasn't got as well).  

Where better place to scratch your retail itch than Dubai, famous for its huge Brand name designer Malls, its Gold souks and of course the 'knock off quarter' where counterfeit products come in various sizes, shapes and logos (tip for the first-time buyer, always go for 'Genuine fakes' they are so much better quality than 'Copy-copies').

So it was with some trepidation that I accompanied him on a trip to buy up North Eastern Dubai.  We got a taxi (no mean feat in Dubai) and set off, I swear I could hear his wallet twitching in the cab.  

You will have read that Dubai is constantly undergoing massive reconstruction and this is true. Just because a road is there when you set off from your hotel there is no guarantee it will still be there on your return.  Rather like the staircases in the Harry Potter School Hogwarts that keep shifting, you can never guarantee that the route you took last time will be the one you take this time, consequently, even the Taxi drivers stop every 100 metres or so to draw chalk marks on the wall to help them find their way back!  In fact, on this occasion, the traffic was moving so slowly that we were able to sketch watercolour City- scapes which we played in reverse to navigate home (rather like those huge cue cards they use in TV).

Finally we arrived at our destination and Kostas set about weaving his magic, in just five action packed hours he had emptied most of the stores into an ever swelling collection of bags.  This was all fine and dandy, as I explained, Kostas likes a little retail therapy to calm his nerves, it was only when I saw WHAT he'd bought that I started to worry!

There. amongst the collection of Gucci bags, Montblanc Pens & Dolce & Gabbana belts was A CHAINSAW!  I kid you not, an electric chainsaw.  "Kostas" I said, slowly and deliberately, as if talking to the hard of thinking, "Why did you buy that?", the reply was instant (I should have seen it coming) "because it was there and it was a good price" - so there you have it, the Edmond Hillary approach to power tool purchasing.  "How do you imagine you will get it home?" I asked, "Hadn't really thought about that" was the response.

This got me thinking about airline security, clearly there is no way they would let Kostas carry a chainsaw in his carry on luggage (even Ryanair wouldn't let him if he offered a fee) and most of us would say it is a good thing that carrying a chainsaw on board with you is frowned upon, yet here's the thing, it actually doesn't represent any danger, it only has a three metre flex!

Can you imagine the scene, Kostas as the world's most hopeless terrorist "Excuse me Stewardess, can you plug me in?, no up front please MUCH nearer to the pilot".

Anyway, astonishingly, he got it home without incident, he put it in his check in bags and it went through all the scanners without raising an eyelid.  Perhaps most Cypriots travel with Power tools? perhaps it is another example of my cultural un-intelligence that I find it odd.  Still, because it WAS a good price and because Kostas did not have to pay a surcharge/fine/Bail bond/Lawyer as expected, he will be acquiring money again now and the rash will be starting.  I wonder if he will buy my Dubai City-scape watercolours?

If Men are from Mars...

I had never really bought into this notion that the Brains of Men and Women were wired fundamentally differently, as seems to be the assertion in the tabloid newspapers on an almost daily basis. But recent events have, however, caused me to at least pause to reconsider my position.

The first occasion happened a few weeks back, there had been a programme on TV (I forget which channel, it was something like GB Gold TV Replay +1 or something similar) where a man and a women, who were both far too earnest for comfort asserted that the popular book Men are from Mars etc was essentially correct only didn't go anywhere near far enough. I let the programme wash over me rather and didn't take its central thesis too seriously because the nauseating presenters' attempts and first building and then dismantling Sexual Chemistry were starting to irritate me (I don't think they even managed to get to Sexual Physics, let alone Chemistry). The show did however, give me something to consider as I ambled down to the local to take part in the weekly pub quiz.

When I was about 200 yards (sorry, don't do Metrics) from the pub I saw two women peering into the window of the antiques** shop next to the pub. As I approached I heard one exclaim to the other "Ooh Sandra, come and look at these lovely spoons". It was at that moment that I realised that, although Men and Women LOOK like they are of the same species, that this is simply a delusion. The idea that a spoon could be Lovely is a concept as alien to most men as the title star of that Sigourney Weaver film where she sweatily climbs into a spacesuit wearing those little pants (men of a certain age will all know what I mean).

The second occasion that I realised that although the two genders walk side-by side on the planet but inhabit vastly different worlds, came last weekend in the kitchen of the Guru household. Our kitchen had a Microwave oven, fitted into a space above the oven, and, unfortunately, last Saturday expired, it has warmed its last sausage roll, you might say it had shuffled off its own coil (sic). No worries, I thought, I would just pop off to our local out of town Electrical Superstore, get a replacement and pop it into the hole and Robert would indeed be my auntie's husband.

Imagine my surprise then, at the exchange which took place between yours truly and Mrs Guru, the summary of which follows;

Mrs Guru asserted that, since there was now a gap above the Oven where the recently departed Microwave had resided, it was time to reconsider the entire cooker/oven/hob concept. It appears Mrs Guru has long hankered after a Range-type cooker (perhaps she wants to tie her hair back, wear a pinafore and bake bread - although she has never mentioned it). "Oh" was my witty and urbane response to this news, Ranges are a darn sight more expensive than Microwaves and my Senior Partner at the firm does not appreciate the true value of yours truly in keeping the commercial wheels on the enterprise in quite the way he should. However, that was just a warm-up, it was about to get a lot worse!

The Range would not fit in our kitchen as things stand, but would fit beautifully if the kitchen were to be extended into the dining room also. I was ready for this and rapidly riposted that this would mean that we would have no Dining Room, a major inconvenience and also a way of destroying the asset value of our home when we decide to sell (THAT's why they pay me the big bucks - speed of thought under pressure). Mrs Guru responded with the phrase that has always given me chills "I've thought of that" (I shudder as I type this) "we should get an extension built".

And THAT dear reader, is when I realised that we may live amongst each other but we are totally different species, a broken Microwave becomes the (pressing) need for a major home extension in two easy moves (via a Range) - this is how Nuclear wars start!

I wonder if they'll repeat that TV programme, I think I need to study it now - does anyone have a TV listing for GB Gold Homes Classic +1 channel?

Tom.

**Junk