International Meetings - a recipe for embarrassment

Just back home from another week's slog, slaving away at the coalface of Business Process Improvement. Once more was able to continue the recent trend of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, on this occasion almost sparking an International incident as well along the line.

I was leading a workshop on account prioritisation, fairly dry stuff you might imagine but I was soaring like an eagle, using rhethoric, allegory, puns, metaphors - you know "making it live". The trouble was that my delegates were seated in a huge 'U' shape before me. It was a cosmopolitan, pan-European group of senior managers from a majot vehicle group who had absconded to Sweden for a little R&R (thinly) disguised as a 'Strategic Marketing Retreat'.

So there I was, a colussus in my field, straddling my subject with flair, panache and not a little style (think of a younger, not dead Errol Flynn and you will not be far off) when I noticed that the two French guys were whispering to one another for the entirety of my presentation. I know the French have a reputation for this sort of thing - I realise that the Hundred years war was never officially ended (and therefore we can conclude that it ain't over yet) but this, I felt, was pretty poor form, even for those schooled in the Gallic method of presentation skills.

Drawing upon the skills and technique of Mrs Thackeray my Junior School teacher I paused, mid sentence and stared at the two offenders, at which point they promptly broke off their muttering s and, for perhaps the first time, looked directly at me. Good, I had their attention at last, I thought "what would Mrs Thackeray have done next?" - quick as a flash I got my answer and I went for it, I raised an eyebrow!!

Satisfied in my calm, quiet yet clearly supreme authority, I continued whence I had left off, only to find that, almost immediately, my Gallic interruptors were at it again, muttering and now even glancing at me whilst continuing to talk away behind their hands.

I paused again, and again - this process went on for some time until fuming now, I reached for the final, most potent club in Mrs Thackeray's bag "If you have something to say, I think it only fair that you should share it with the whole group", I smiled benignly and raised BOTH eyebrows this time - hah, THAT ought to do it. There was a baffled pause from my French colleagues so I entreated them some more, "Please, tell everyone what it is that you two are chatting about" - Wow, Mrs Thackeray would be proud, she taught me well. Finally, one of them broke the deadlock, "Well Monsieur Tom" he started "I am translating your words for 'im, I am 'is interpretor". We broke for coffee then, it almost choked me.

It would be a great job, if it weren't for the clients...

Just returned home from a final client meeting (with the emphasis on the word final). I fear I had what I am coming to describe as a 'Jack Nicholson Moment'.

The project was a nine-month sojourn around some very nice parts of the world. It was a Marketing positioning research project to find the ideal indication for a new skin cancer drug. Although skin cancer is far from nice, the project had, until last Friday, been very good for me because I had to interview world leaders in the field to determine the best market for my clients' new drug. Luckily for me, the world experts on skin cancer reside in nice sunny countries and so, dear reader, I have been merrily trotting around Florida, Sydney, and (for reasons unclear even to me) Coventry!

Still, all was well, the physicians had been very generous with their time and had all agreed on one irrevocable conclusion (a feat in itself since, usually, if you have three surgeons in a room that is enough for five opinions), there was a very clear space for my client's product, No, there was a screaming need for my client's product - Good Times!

It came down to testing which of two possible types of Skin Cancer the product should be marketed for and the results were, as I say, overwhelming. Indication A got 9 votes, Indication B got Minus 8 votes (they actually thought it would cause harm).

So, full of the calm bravado that the soon to be doomed often display, I presented my findings to the client. At the end, I sat down, awaiting the certain applause and ready to bask in the shower of adulation they were sure to heap upon me.

"We kinda (they weren't American but seemed to want to talk like they were) hoped it would be indication B" the CEO said. "Well I'm afraid it isn't" said I "but the great news is they would all use it yesterday if it were available for indication A", I grinned my best Tony Curtis grin in triumph. "Well, we REALLY need it to be indication B" was the sad reply.

We see-sawed with this for about fifteen minutes when (exasperated now, Tony Curtis grins a dim distant memory), I raised my voice "Look, it is what it is, it's good news why can't you be happy with that"?, at which point, things went VERY Pear-shaped. The CEO it was who finally triggered the moment I went critical and waved 'Goodbye' to my career - triggering my 'Jack Nicholson in 'A Few Good Men' moment' when he said (after only 25 minutes of this nonsense) "Look Tom, don't get mad, WE ONLY WANT THE TRUTH". I know, I guess you are ahead of me, I should have paused, done some dep breathing and relaxation exercises, my therapist would probably tell me to think of Mountain streams or fluffy kittens or something - instead I heard the veritable Mr. Nicholson's voice booming from my mouth "THE TRUTH?...YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH". The meeting ended shortly after.

And THAT is how you get from Tony Curtis to Jack Nicholson in only two moves.

The Senior Partner wants to see me in the morning - I wonder what it's about?

Tom